Hehe haha hoho

Hehe haha hoho.....Giggles

SARDARNI'S LETTER

Sardarni mother wrote a letter to her son! Pyaarey puttar,

I'm writing this letter slow, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did whenyou left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with him for his next house, so that he wouldn't have to change his address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in themail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 people under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle, Jatinder fell in at the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We re-cremated him and he burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. Your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father. There isn't much more news this time.

Nothing much has happened.

Love Mom.

SARDAR'S CONVENTION

80,000 Sardarji's meet at the Jalianwala Bagh for a "Sardarjis Are Not Stupid Convention."

Santha Singh, the emcee says, "We are all here today to prove to the World that Sardarjis are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

One Sardarji steps up.

Santha Singh asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds, he says, "Eighteen."

Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 sardarjis Start cheering, "Give him another chance, give him another chance."

Santha Singh says,"Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here And the world wide press, I guess we can give him another chance." So he says, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30seconds, the sardarji eventually says, "Ninety?"

Santha Singh sighs - everyone is crestfallen and the sardarji starts crying.

80,000 sardarjis start yelling, "Give him another chance, give him another chance."

SanthaSingh, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says,"Ok! One morechance. What is 2 plus 2?"

The sardarji closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four."

Around the stadium 80,000 sardarjis start yelling "Give him another chance, give him another chance."

LAST COACH

A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper. Once he was travelling to Bombay to deliver a speech about railway department improvements. His coach was the last coach in the train. The train was moving very fast and so sardarji's coach was jerking heavily.

This made him not to prepare for the speech. Annoyed by the event, next day in the meeting, his first point towards improvement of railway department was "There should not be last coach in any train".

SHOPPING

One sardar came to madras and wanted to do shopping in burma bazaar. His tamilian friend told the sardar that the prices will be costly and hence asked him to bargain for half the price.

Sardar went and asked the price of stereo for which the vendor told 2000 Rs. Sardar asked for Rs.1000.vendor told he can give for Rs.1800 for which sardar told no,no only Rs.900. Vendor told ok , i will give it for 1500 Rs for which sardar bargained for Rs.750.it was going on like this when finally vendor out of irritation said he will give the sardar the stereo free of cost. "Our sardar asked whether he will give two."

PULLING EACH OTHER

Two sardarjis stayed in the same building. One on the first floor and the other one on the eight floor. Both were great enemies. One day the sardarji on the eight floor thought to befool the one on the first floor. He invited him for dinner. When the sardarji reached the eight floor, he found his door locked and a board at his door " Kaisa bewkoof banaya" (I fooled you).

Sardarji felt embarrased and to outplay him, he wrote down: " Main to yaha aya hi nahi tha" (I have never come here).

FUNERAL PROCESSION

There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the 'mayyat' are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle' is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its marriage baraat. So one of them asks Santa Singh, "Singh Saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach rahe ho?" .....comes the reply, "Haan ji! Hai hi baat badi kushi ki!!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar "brain" tumour se mara hai!!!".

WIDE RUNWAY

Two Sardarjis (pilots) try to land an airplane in the states. They start descending and as they touch the ground the pilot scream "the runway is ending...".

The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, the pilot scream again "Get the plane up, the runaway is ending...".

The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again... This goes on again and again... During their fourth descent the pilot says : "Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway..", "I know" answers the second pilot, "But look how wide they made it...."

HOW TO IDENTIFY A SARDAR

You should be sure the person is Sardar when he:

* Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind.
* Gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
* Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
* Tries to drown a fish in waters.
* Thinks socialism means partying.
* Trips over a cordless phone.
* Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
* At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts "Sagittarius."
* Studies for a blood test and fails.
* Sells the car for gas money.
* Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
* Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and goes home.
* Gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.

HOW TO LOOSE WEIGHT

The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.

"What's the problem?"asked the doctor.

"I'm 2400 kms from home."

ANOTHER COUNT!

Our Sardar is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". He asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?"

The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out.

He thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay."

The man lifts the manhole cover. He steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"...

HEIGHT OF REVENGE

Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we had to spend sleepless nights. Sardarji was also experiencing the same every time he tries to sleep, one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep with a sound "guooonn, guooonn."

He gets very irritated. He tries to cover his ear but the problem remains persistent. Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand.

He is very kind and not for the blood shed but still wanted to take revenge. Happy as he is now starts singing a lullaby and says "so ja machchar, bete so ja" (sleep mosquito, son sleep). After some time he finds the mosquito falling into deep sleep in his hands. So he goes near it and says "Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."

DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE

Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double- decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat. But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush is over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Banta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death.

He says, "Are Banta Singh! What the heck's goin' on? Why are you so scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?"

Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a *driver.* "

CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHAR

Sardar was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air- india plane. He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady. After some time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat. But the sardaji told: "I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave". The old lady then complained to the air hostess. The air hostess came and requested the sardarji to leave that seat. But sardarji was adament and did not leave. Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt. He also came and requested, but in vain. Finally the Captain came. He whispered something in the ears of the sardarji, and the sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat. Astonished, the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt. what he told to the sardarji.

Capt. replied: "nothing. I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others will go to Jalandhar."

COLOR TV

Sardarji is buying a TV.
"Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."

SURDS TO SPACE

Scene: Two Surds (1&2), and a Monkey and some scientists with their Chairman (CM).
Sub: Launching of Space shuttle with Both Surds and the monkey in it.
CM: Hello Surds, I am giving three letters to you, one to each, and I order you not see the letters of the others till you finish the assignment. You have to open your letters after the shuttle takes off. (The surds agree to it and enter the space shuttle along with the monkey.)

(Count down starts 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 and the Rocket takes off)
(Both the Surds get curious about the third letter addressed to the monkey.)
1st Surd to the 2nd: Hey! Can you guess what might be there in that monkey's letter?
2nd surd: I am not a fool to break my head thinking about it and wasting time. Let us see what is there in it?
The 1st Surd agrees and both open the letter and they find lot of instructions like, Switch on Red button to the right after reaching 100000 ft, Take Pictures of the Earth, Release so and so button... etc and the list continues... After going through this, the Surds think, "Oh! When Monkey has got these many things to perform we must have also been given brain draining tasks."
So they open their respective letters simultaneously. Both will find... (IN RED LETTERS), "FEED THE MONKEY EVERY HALF AN HOUR WITH OUT FAIL."

BETTING SARDARS

A surd and a friend are sitting in a cinema. Just before the break they see a cactus and in some distance a cowboy. During the break the friend says to the surd: "I bet the cowboy will ride into the cactus." The surd answers: "I do not believe that." They agree that the loser invites the winner to a bottle of wine after the film. It turns out that the friend wins. So after the film they drink together the bottle of wine in a restaurant near the cinema. Then the friend says: "I must confess that the bet was not fair. I saw the film for the second time."

The surd replies: "And I saw it for the fourth time, but I did not think that this fool rides into the cactus again."

NEW CAR

A surd tried to sell his old car. But he had large problems because the car had 90000 km on it. One day he told his problem to a Tamilian working in the same factory. The Tamilian told him: "There is a possibility to make the car saleable. But it is not legal."

"That does not matter," replied the surd, "if I only can sell the car." "OK," said the Tamilian. "Here is the address of a friend of mine in Chennai. He owns a car repair shop. If you give him my regards, he will turn the counter in your car back to 50000 km. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

So the following weekend the surd made a trip to Chennai. About one month after that the Tamilian asked the surd: "Did you now sell your car?"
"No," replied the surd, "why should I? It has only 50000 km on it."

LOTTO TICKET

A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray... "Oh God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. The Sardarji goes back to the temple... "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!! Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving... I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarji is confronted by the voice of Lord:
"SARDARJI, BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST".

EXERCISE

The doctor told the sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, the sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.
"What's the problem?"asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 kms from home."

GUESS THE NO. OF CHICKEN IN BAG

Once upon a time Santa Singh and Banta Singh were walking towards each other on a country road. Santa Singh was carrying a burlap bag over his shoulder.
"Oye Sante" Banta drawled, "what's in the bag?"
"Chickens," was the reply.
Banta: "If I guess how many, can I have one?"
Santa: "You can have both of them."
Banta: "OK,let's see, Five?"

DETECTIVE

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one Jewish, and one Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?"
The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him.
"The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question.
He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews."
Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.
Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?"
The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow."
When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How did the interview go?".
Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder"

PUNJAB FEMALE

Banta Singh happened to be in a queue at a railway station ticket counter with a man ahead of him.
"Ek Punjab Mail dena' (give one Punjab Mail), demanded the man in front. He was given a ticket. (Punjab Mail is the name of the train)
Then came the turn of Banta Singh, "Ikk Punjab female dena" "What do you mean by punjab female?" asked the clerk. "It is for my wife", replied Banta Singh

SLAP

Once a Surd was slapped by his friend. He asked him whether he slapped him seriously or just for fun. His friend replied "I was serious". The Surd told "Then it's O.K. I don't like people making fun of me"

11 11

Santa Singh got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone.
"Is this one one one one?", says the voice.
"No, this is eleven eleven."
"Are you sure it isn't one one one one?"
"No, this is eleven eleven."
"Well, wrong number. Sorry to have woken you up on the middle of the night."
"That's all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway."

GOOD MATCH STICK

Santa Singh tried to light his cigarette. He struck the first match on the seat of his pants, but it wouldn't light. He tried another. It wouldn't light. The third one finally lit. He lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match out and put it in his vest pocket.
"What for did you put that match in your vest pocket?"
"That's a good match. I'll use it again."

LOVE YOU THREE

A Sardarji was in a night-club in New York, dancing with a beautiful woman.
He whispered into her ear, "I love you."
She smiled and whispered back, "I love you too!"
There was a little pause. (The Sardarji was thinking!)
Then he whispered, "I love you three."

DEATH NOTE

Santa Singh was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Banta. As Banta singh stood beside the bed, Santa Singh's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Banta singh lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Santa used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. Banta singh thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket.

Several days later, at the funeral, Banta singh was visting Santa's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Santa died. "You know," he said, "Santa handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Santa, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

THE MIRROR

A sardar is traveling via train. On his way, he feels the urge to go to the bathroom. So he goes and opens the bathroom door, which happens to have a mirror in the front. The sardar thinks there is another sardar bhaiwaal in there, quickly shuts the door and returns to his seat. Five minutes later he goes again, only to find the same sardar bhaiwaal. An hour passes away, he's made 20 trips to the bathroom, only to find that the same person is still there. So he finally gets ticked off, goes to the last compartment and tells the TC (Ticket Checker) what's been going on. The TC, who also happens to be a sardar, feels bad for him and promises to throw the bum out. The TC walks down to the compartment with the troubled bathroom to get the resident bhaiwaal out.

Few minutes later the TC comes back and tell the sardar "I'm sorry, I can't do anything. The guy in there is a railway staff member".

CELL PHONE

A sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings, so he picks it up and says " Hello, how did you know I was here?"

TWO COATS

Banta Singh was painting his living room one hot day. "Why", his friend Santa Singh asked him, "are you wearing two jackets?".
"Because," said Banta Singh, "The directions on the can said to put on two coats."

SARDAR AT MEDICAL EXAM

A sardar applied to a medical school - needless to say he never made it
Because These are the answers he gave:

Antibody - against everyone
Artery - the study of fine paintings
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria
Benign - what you be after you be eight
Bowel - letters like a,e,i,o,u
Caesarian Section - a district in Rome
Cardiology - advanced study of Poker playing
Cat Scan - searching for lost kitty
Chronic - neck of a crow
Coma - punctuation mark
Cortisone - area around local court
Cyst - short for sister
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose
Dilate - the late British Princess Diana
Dislocation - in this place
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans
>Enema - not a friend
False Labor - pretending to work
Genes - blue denim
Groin - to mash to a pulp / smile
Hernia - she is close by
Hymen - greeting to several males
Impotent - distinguished / well-known
Labor Pain - hurt at work
Lactose - people without feet
Lymph - walk unsteadily
Microbes - small dressing gowns
Obesity - City of Obe
Pacemaker - winner of Nobel Peace Prize
Protein - in favor of teens
Pulse - grain
Pus - small cat
Red Blood Count - Dracula
Secretion - hiding anything
Subcutaneous - not cute enough
Suture - Gujrati for "what do you want"
Tablet - small table
Tumor - extra pair
Ultrasound - radical noise
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - very close
Vas Deferens - extremely different
Vein - at what time?
Vitreous Humor - both witty & fun

DETECTIVE SARDAR

A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first SARDAR answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks his, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Ofcourse only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the SARDAR replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Stranded in an Island

Three men were stranded on an uninhabited island. One was Hindu, one a

Muslim, and the other a Sardar. The only way back home was to swim 100 miles to the next island, which was inhabited.

The Muslim was so determined to get home that he tried to swim. He made it 50 miles, got tired, and drowned.

Then the Hindu tried. He made it 75 miles, but got tired and drowned, too.

The Sardar thought he could make it all the way, so he started swimming.

He swam 50 miles, but started getting tired, so he swam all the way back to the island.

Greatest Inventions

The Greatest Inventions planned by Prof. Santa Singh and Prof. Banta Singh!

1. Water-proof towel

2. Solar powered flashlight

3. Submarine screen door

4. A book on how to read

5. Inflatable dart board

6. A dictionary index

7. Ejector seat in a helicopter

8. Powdered water

9. Pedal-powered wheel chair

10. Water-proof tea bag

Suicide Attempt

Sardar Banta Singh went to the emergency room with the tip of his Index finger blown off.

"How did this happen?" the doctor asked.

"Well I was trying to commit suicide," Banta Singh replied.

The doctor asked, "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"

"No, silly! First I put the gun on my head and I thought my face would look horrible, then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just paid Rs. 1,000 to get my teeth straightened.

So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

Thank God!!!!

Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?"

The Sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

You have got mail

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Sardarji, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house.

A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Sardarji came again, looking very heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him, "Is something wrong?" To which the ferocious Sardar replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

NOT SO LONG AGO...

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account

Compress was something you did to garbage not something you did to a file.

And if you unzipped anything in public, You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife

Paste you did with glue

A web was a spider's home

And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead!

IT JOKES

One day a Florist goes for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Doughnuts waiting at his door.

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and barber replies; 'I'm Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, What does he find there?

A Dozen of software engineers waiting for a free haircut......

LATERAL THINKING

In the early days of the American space program, NASA received reports from the astronauts that their pens would not write in space. Ball points, fountain pens, even quills, nothing worked! So NASA contacted the people who had supplied the pens and made money available for the production of a pen which would write in space, Eventually, thousands of dollars later, a suitable pen was produced, incorporating a small gas filled cylinder which propelled the ink out of the pen. It worked both in space and underwater. The problem was solved, albeit at great expense.

Many years later, when co-operation with the Russians was established, it occurred to someone at NASA to ask how the Russians had solved the same problem.

There was no problem, they said, we used a pencil.

MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

THREE ENGINEERS

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

BILL GATES IN HELL

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

Lucifer: That was Bill Gates! Why did you give him the best place of all?
Satan: That's what everyone thinks!
Lucifer: What about the PC?
Satan (laughing): It's got Windows 95! And it's missing three keys!
Lucifer: Which three?
Satan (screaming): Control, Alt and Delete!

IF COMPUTER OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN AIRLINES

UNIX Airways Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up..

Windows Air The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat installation manual - HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

ARE YOU AN INTERNET ADDICT

We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
10) All of the above?

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem.

ENTRANCE QUESTION PAPER

University of Bihar

       Entrance exam

       Time limit: 3 weeks

 NOTE:  YOU MUST ANSWER AT MOST ONE QUESTION

        CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY

       1. What language is spoken in France?

       2. Give a dissertation on the Ancient

       Babylonian Empire with particular reference to

       architecture, literature, law and social

       conditions.

       - or -

       Give the first name of Sonia Gandhi.

       3. Would you ask Sachin Tendulkar to:

       a. Build a bridge

       b. Sail the ocean

       c. Lead an army

       d.PLAY CRICKET

       4. What religion is Chandraswamy?

       a. Hindu

       b. Hindutva

       c. Hinduism

       d. Indian

       e. Foreigner

       (check only one)

       5. Metric conversion - - how many feet are in

       0.0 meters?

       6. What time is it when the big hand is on the

       12 and the little hand is on the 5?

       7. How many commandments was Moses

       given? (APPROX.)

       8. What are the people in India's far north

       called?

       a. Weste Indians

       b. South  Indians

       c. East  Indians

       d. North  Indians

       9. Spell - Laloo, Rabri, and Sonia.

       10. Six kings of England have been called

       George, the last one being called George the

       Sixth. Name the previous five.

       11. Where does the rain come from?

       a. Macy's

       b. 7-11

       c. Canada

       d. The Sky

       12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of

       Relativity?

       a. yes

       b. no

       13. What are coat hangers used for?

       14. The Jana Gana Mana is the national

       anthem for what country?

       15. Explain Le Chatelier's principle of Dynamic

       Equilibrium

       - or -

       Spell your name in block letters.

       16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building

       located?

       17. Which part of India produces the most

       illiterates?

       a. Delhi

       b. BIHAR

       c. Bombay

       d. Madras

       18. Advanced Math: If you have 3 Buffalos,

       how many  Buffalos do you have?

       19. What does DD (Doordarshan) stand for?

       20. The University of Bihar tradition for

       efficiency began

       when?

       a. B.C.

       b. A.D.

       c. STILL WAITING

FIRE

A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

COURT JOKE

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "So then, is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Doctor: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be sure, doctor?"
Doctor: "Because his brain was on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient still have been alive, nevertheless?"
Doctor: "It is possible, I suppose, that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

MY ACHING TOOTH

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.

"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

HOW TO CATCH A LION!

Newton's Method: Let, the lion catch you. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.

Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.

Schrodinger Method: At any given moment, there is a positive probability that lion to be in the cage. So set the trap, sit down and wait.

Inverse Transformation Method: We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion. Lion is in and we are out.

Thermodynamic Procedure: We construct a semi-permeable membrane, which allows everything to pass it except lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it.

Integration Differention Method: Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion is somewhere in the result. So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion.

The Banta singh's Method: DON'T EVEN TRY. YOU'LL GET CAUGHT BY THE LION

SCHOOL JOKES

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
CINDY : You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: George can you count up to 5?
George count up to 5 slowly using his Fingers.
TEACHER: Good, now can you count any higher?
George put up his hand and count to five again using his fingers.

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

HOW MANY DAYS IN A YEAR DO YOU WORK?

Employee: Boss can I have the day off tomorrow?

Boss: So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for, There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.
We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

LALOO JOKE

Laloo Yadav's car is driving along a back country road on the way back to Patna , when all of a sudden a piglet jumps out in front of the car. The piglet dies on the spot. Laloo, upset, tells the chauffeur to go find the owner of the piglet so that he can pay the damages. The driver is gone for two hours and when he comes back, he has a bag full of money, and a wondering look on his face. Laloo wants to know what happened.

The driver tells him "Hum jab gaaon me pahuncha to dekha kuchh log ped ke niche baithe hain. Jub hum unko bataya ki kya hua hai, tab sare log jama hogaye. Humko laga ki aaj to hamari pitayee hogee. Par hum dekha ki sare log paisa jama kar rahe hain. Hum socha ki ye sara piasa wo janvar ke malik ke liye hai. Par un logo ne saara paisa hamein de diya." (When I reached the village I saw some people sitting under the tree. When I told them what happened, I thought that they will beat me up. But then I saw that evreybody was putting together money. I thought that it was for the owner of the piglet. But they gave that money to me.)

" Laloo says "Sasoor ka natee, Theek theek batao. Tum unko kya bola tha?" (tell me what exactly did you tell them?) The driver replies "Hum kahki hum Laloo Yadav ka driver hoon aur hum soovar ka bachcha ko maar diya hoon."

A MILLION DOLLARS

A man was praying to God.
He said, "God!?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "a million years to me is only a second."
"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God. can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."

WISE TRAIN DRIVER

One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified. On the next Railway station the driver was caught.

When he was questioned. He explained that there was a man standing on the track and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc. Then authorities questioned : Are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger. You should have run over that person.

Driver said : Exactly, that is what I also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close.

GO TO SCHOOL...SON

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

LALOO YADAV, MARRIED

At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender,"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE.
"And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?" Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."

FAMILY PLANNING POLICY

After having resigned from his Job, Laloo decides to go modelling.Once he enters the herd of buffaloes and rest in his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS THE CAPTION !! "Laloo, third from left !"

MOST INTELLIGENT PERSON

Once Laloo Yadav, Sonia Gandhi, a saint and a schoolboy were travelling by a private plane. Suddenly the engine caught fire and the pilot came out shouting, "This plane is going to crash! And we have only four parachutes and there are five of us in the plane. Since I am a very important Indian Airlines pilot I am taking one parachute and getting out of here." Saying this he rushed to the luggage area grabbed one parachute and jumped off the plane.

Sonia Gandhi said, "Since I am the future Prime Minister of India I am very important and have to live!" She also grabbed a parachute and jumped Laloo Yadav said, "I am the king-maker of this country, the most honest politician of India....and above all the most intelligent person living in this country, and the most intelligent person must live !" Saying so Laloo went to the luggage area, grabbed one and jumped off the plane.

The old saint said to the school boy, "There is only one parachute left, and there are two of us. I am an old man and don't need to live any more. You take the last parachute and jump." The school boy said, "Don't worry ! There are still two parachutes left with us ! The most intelligent person, Laloo Yadav, jumped off the plane with my school bag !"

MISCELLANEOUS JOKES

1st thief : Oh The police is here. Quick Jump out of the window
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry this is no time for superstitions.

Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to KualaLumpur.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"
Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
Sure," replied her lover "What's your phone number?"

A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order.order"
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you,your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."

'For twenty years my husband and I were very happy'
'What happened then?'
'We met.'

Customer : 'If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Brighton in two days'time?'
Post Master : 'Well it might do.'
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to London.

Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born hai! bro.

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull are grazing in the field
Teacher : How ?
Student : Ladies first.

Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

Friend 1 : Where did you born ?
Friend 2 : India.
Friend 1 : India? Which part?
Friend 2 : No, the whole body.

Did you hear about the Surd family that froze to death outside a theatre?
They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the winter".